Questing for Happiness

Recently, I was talking with a friend about material things.

This conversation was not unlike others I’ve had over the years about our stuff and how we relate to it. 

The exchange centered on my friend’s friend and that friend’s love of status objects.

It went something like this: 

My friend said, “She wants to buy a $35,000 watch.” And then she said, “But hey, it if makes her happy, then why not—who am I to judge?”

What’s at issue is not judgment, but the common assertion that material items can produce happiness. 

Let me be clear: I am not suggesting that material possessions can’t bring us pleasure, or even moments of joy, but don’t mistake sense pleasure with happiness. Happiness is born from a deep wellspring that we all carry inside—it’s just that most of us don’t, won’t, or can’t tap into it. 

Happiness is a part of our essential nature. It is the truth of who we are. But so many layers of fear, shame, trauma, sorrow, grief accumulate over the years that we lose connection to this source. 

Happiness is not a state of elation or a feeling that everything is always right, good, or fun. On the contrary, happiness, as I see it, co-exists alongside the human trials that we all face. It’s this profound knowing that despite our day-to-day challenges, we are fine. It’s contentment—not unshakeable, but flexible, like a willow that sways and returns to upright after a storm—that all is as it should be. 

Happiness is within, not outside. 

Humans are wired to quest for stuff. We seek, and we want, and we grasp. We have an aversion to pain and other yucky things, and we crave pleasure. This primitive drive to acquire is as inherent as our real state of happiness. But let’s not confuse our outward seeking and acquiring—whether of stuff, degrees, or other cultural badges of arrival—as a mark of happiness.

The Atlantic just published an article today asserting that the American tendency to value work and success pushes certain personality types into addictive success-seeking behavior. The article, ‘Success Addicts’ Choose Being Special Over Being Happy, has the subtitle: The pursuit of achievement distracts from the deeply ordinary activities and relationships that make life meaningful. This pursuit makes us sick, tired, and ultimately un-happy, or at least it does when these seeking behaviors finally catch up with us (like any other addiction). 

It’s only when we strip away the trappings of material gain and the ego-cravings that go along with wanting more, new, better, shinier, that we can begin the long return to our natural state of happiness. 

Simple? Yep. Easy? Not so much. 

So, what’s the formula, what are the steps that we must take if we want to return to our innate happiness—a land that seems to have no map? 

Honestly, I’m not sure. It may be different for all of us, but I do know that buying stuff and hoping that will do the trick—that consuming will flick on the everlasting happiness switch—is not compatible with reality. Buying things in the search for happiness is a set-up for suffering (and a diminished bank balance). You can’t uncover your true nature by feeding it future landfill material any more than you can create a healthy body by eating junk food. 

What do you think, dear reader? How do we find our way to our true nature? Are you happy? 

(I wrote a version of this essay many years ago. This one is new and improved).

Reminder: 

I’m taking the month of August off from doing So, You Want to Move to Portugal sessions, but will return in September. I’m making exceptions for returning clients or those who have already purchased a session (by Aug. 1). Thank you for understanding. 

—> If you enjoy my writing and want to show a bit of appreciation, you can buy me a coffee (I love coffee). Thank you!