Shanna, remarkable courage was necessary to reveal your own vulnerability in writing this beautiful piece. I, and many readers, will recognize this bit of lightening on a sunny day. There is a yearning for the comfort and safety of familiarity which includes friends. But new beginnings have a way of awakening our hearts in a way that is uniquely enriching. I have no doubt that you will always have a stunning bouquet of friends on your journey forward. XO
Relationships take time to build and time to maintain. Sadly we are living in a society where everything appears to be required quickly and on demand. Relationships are far from instant when they are meaningful. Take time to step away from the instant mentality and move into the slow lane of life.
Your latest post is a really good one. Deep friendships come in waves, they go through seasons and they can disappear for years, only to reemerge later on for whatever reason. Its a delicate dance and we are all fortunate if we have one constant person in our lives that we cherish and can count on. Thank you for sharing your wonderful insights on this topic. It is good to stop and think about how friendships ebb and flow, especially in these times that we are all living through. I hope that you can find some deep rooted friendships in your new life in Portugal. Wishing you well.
45 years ago I made freinds and spent a few years flying hang gliders with a man I would consider was my best freind. Most weekends we would get together and attempt to fly or investigate potential flying sites, most of the time just hanging out. After feeling compelled to move away for work and subsequently getting married and all that entails I rarely got the chance to meet up with my freind, each time we did it was as if we last met just a few weeks before. I recently moved back to the area I grew up and began meeting my freind again on a more regular basis. Our freindship never seemed strained, it was not time or frequency of meeting dependant it just carried on where it left off. Sadly he was diagnosed a few years ago with aggressive cancer, being a positive sort, he faught it every day. He continued flying as long as he could, something he devoted his life to, and enjoyeda motorcycle holiday in NZ. A month ago he lost his fight. His funeral was packed and his life was celebrated by going go karting after the funeral. A remarkable man, I will miss him enormously knowing now that I cant just meet up some time. My only regret is; moving away from the area and not having shared more of his life, but of course we all have our own paths to lead. Freindships like this are rare, if you have one make more time for it if you can. Thanks Shanna.
I relate to this on a gut/soul level. I'm an introvert, HSP and most days feel blindingly awkward. I have a very small group of dear friends (3), and a lot of acquaintances. My dear friends are scattered through the states and I want to bring each one with me to Portugal - but I know I wont lose them just because of the distance once I make the move full time.
Right now I'm in the beginning stages of a divorce, from someone I thought was one of those deep, dear lifetime friends. Someone I had planned to make the move to Portugal with. I think Portugal was always my dream, and she was just trying it on for size and decided it wasn't the right fit for her. It is the right fit for me. It's a huge transition that includes so many of the emotions you listed. Now she is using my HSP qualities as weapons against me. When I was younger I would have spent so much of my energy trying to explain and defend myself. I find now I am more content to just let her, and her anger and judgements, go.
Relationships are hard! Right now I'm choosing to mend the one with myself.
Thank you for your moving reflection on the inevitability of change and the metamorphosis of friendships. In my 74 years of life, I have lived in 49 homes in 27 cities in 10 U.S. states. Long ago (mostly by necessity), I learned to let go of resistance to change, to accept loss and respond with healthy grieving, to embrace the promise and challenges of the new and unknown, to marvel at the unexpected rewards of the shifting sands of life, and to learn the lessons offered by the sometimes unwelcome results of change. Through my life, I have walked under blue skies, strolled through sun dappled lanes, scrambled though stormy weather, and wandered down dark and treacherous alleys. It has been a full and rewarding life and I would not change one moment. Your reflection brought to mind a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, “Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart.” I am blessed to have many footprints on my heart.
Fellow San Diegan/Vegan/Introvert/HSP/Dog Adorer here. Thank you for sharing this challenging time with honesty and nuance.
Perhaps the operative word here is “mourning,” as experiencing dissolving/dissolved friendships can be so similar to the process of mourning loved ones who’ve passed. It can hurt like hell, but also be revelatory (of self and others), and can act as a call to be grateful and present to whatever appears––beautiful and/or blemish-y––in the here and now.
In my case, the dissolution revolved around my feelings of vystopia as a new vegan years ago. Communicating this anguish with a close friend who took it personally and became defensive proved to be too much. Needless to say, suffering ensued. But so did gaining more clarity about my values with regard to navigating a non-vegan world going forward.
Though she is a ghost who will most likely not return, the memories (mostly fond) of what we once had remains.
Healing has come through extensive chats with a mutual friend, meditation, self-inquiry, time, and cuddles with my fur baby. The fact that veganism has become so mainstream has also helped a lot.
Indeed, “wherever you go, there you are” - with super-fans and all in tow! :-). That we even exist to experience it all is at once brilliant and bonkers.
Well said. I've had similar experiences throughout my adult life. When I wrote a post about it I titled it "Have a nice life." When a friend says that to me, I know that the friendship will change. I, too have many acquaintances but few close friends, and often it seems the circle of close friends is getting smaller. Letting go and acceptance is also part of life and I'm good with that. It opens me up to the possibilities of new friends and experiences.
That's a beautiful description of the vicissitudes of friendship. Being a lover of solitude, I'm always a little surprised at how much I get out of friendship. :D
A proposito, I LOVE the colors in your outside area. The chair alone is a work of art.
Don't know. I got my NIF this week (or maybe last week). I assume the D-7 is underway. My elderly dad fell and broke his hip. He comes home tomorrow (probably). Mom has already applied for an assisted-living facility. I'm staying flexible on timing, and am prepared to hire a personal assistant to take my place on helping them, depending on when the D-7 comes through.
May I join the Blindlingly Awkward Club too, please? =) I felt this post on many levels- thanks for always writing from your heart, Shanna! I once read that friendships tend to last about 7 years, and if you’re still friends after 7, you’ll likely figure out how to stay friends. I agree that “real” friendships take effort and attention. I’ve usually only had 2 or 3 close friends throughout my life, with lots of acquaintances, and your post made me look more deeply at why that is… I think I get the same kind of friendship-at-first-sight feeling that you described! Funny. But I do put in the work with my closer friendships- sharing, asking, supporting, and purposeful connection, even from far away, as my good friends have lived miles from me in more recent years. I especially like your reference to the messiness of life- that’s one thing I’ve struggled with but am getting better at as I get older. I tend to want some kind of closure, but I’ve accepted the fact that some things, some relationship endings, are just going to be messy and that’s okay. And then I go through all the feelings you listed above, but come out okay on the other side!
I really enjoy your outlook on life in general! My story is mixed with very close friendships I had as a child that you think will last forever but with passing years and new ventures, new schools, jobs etc. You lose touch with many, only natural really. I found that friendships at work were either fuelled by competition, jealousy, just having to spend eight hours a day with the same people so a sense of necessity and the joy of leaving them behind and switching off! Of course sometimes work friends turn into social friends too and those relationships can suffer due to spending a copious amount of time at work and out of work! I learnt the hard way, trusted everyone, yearning to be liked and feeling welcomed only to have sand kicked in my face numerous times, too numerous to mention!! Too soft, too squeaky clean! The latter being a description a so called friend had given me and to my horror was the main reason she hated me I found out! Took me a very long time to work out that the problem was never mine but theirs, quite a few years in fact! Yes, I was naive and too trusting thinking being nice to others meant they would return the favour! How wrong I was!! As I have got older, I've realised what a damned idiot I was and slapped myself on the wrist for allowing it all to happen. But now I'm contented with my lot! Probably more to do with realising my mortality and just thinking, well, life's too bloody short now to worry about as it turned out, trivial things that weren't important anyway and enjoying the obvious short time I'll be spending on this mortal coil (channelling my Monty Python there!!) Anyway, I think I've said before that the majority of my friends now are far enough away to not interfere with my everyday life and I have become more appreciative of those friendships and hold them dear. Very interesting writing Shanna! Good to see you back, take care and carry on enjoying your now permanent way of life! Hugs xxx
I totally feel this post. I am also an introvert and HSP. I have a small handful of people I consider friends, very few are close friends. Also had some painful past friendships that ended poorly. My husband and I are planning to come join you in Portugal within the next couple of years, and we can't wait to be there. I have a few friends that might come visit me there, but I'm looking forward to meeting new friends once we arrive and I am totally open to it. <3 Obrigada!
I’ve been married almost 17 years and recently found out that my husband has been keeping secrets from me for 4 YEARS. I feel totally betrayed and I fear my trust in him has been broken beyond repair. I was super hurt and angry at first, then a couple weeks later I thought I had to forgive, so I did, but now I just feel sad and depressed.
I wish I could offer a helpful word, Lindsey. I am not equipped for it, though. My heart can, eventually, soon or much later, understand the human dynamics that sometimes lead to betrayal… but my heart needs to move forward without dragging a load of heartbreak as I walk. It’s an ongoing effort, tho, because my mind has been etched with a hot poker and the welps form scar tissue that pulls.
Totally get what you are saying with you new newsletter.
Having moved either places or countries a few times in my life, I can totally relate to this.
I have been very fortunate to have been able to retain a few friends from the different places or chapters in my life.
It is so hard when deep friendships fade because of various and sometimes unbeknown reasons.
As I have grown older and more comfortable with myself, I have accepted these changes for it being an organic change that happens within life.
Everything changes and I have become better at accepting the changes especially within friendships. Just as seasons change so do our relationships.
Sending you hugs for the losses that might have been hard to deal with and celebrating with you on the new fledglings friendships that are blossoming.
Shanna, remarkable courage was necessary to reveal your own vulnerability in writing this beautiful piece. I, and many readers, will recognize this bit of lightening on a sunny day. There is a yearning for the comfort and safety of familiarity which includes friends. But new beginnings have a way of awakening our hearts in a way that is uniquely enriching. I have no doubt that you will always have a stunning bouquet of friends on your journey forward. XO
I consider you a lovely rose bud in my bouquet. :)
Relationships take time to build and time to maintain. Sadly we are living in a society where everything appears to be required quickly and on demand. Relationships are far from instant when they are meaningful. Take time to step away from the instant mentality and move into the slow lane of life.
Hi Shanna,
Your latest post is a really good one. Deep friendships come in waves, they go through seasons and they can disappear for years, only to reemerge later on for whatever reason. Its a delicate dance and we are all fortunate if we have one constant person in our lives that we cherish and can count on. Thank you for sharing your wonderful insights on this topic. It is good to stop and think about how friendships ebb and flow, especially in these times that we are all living through. I hope that you can find some deep rooted friendships in your new life in Portugal. Wishing you well.
45 years ago I made freinds and spent a few years flying hang gliders with a man I would consider was my best freind. Most weekends we would get together and attempt to fly or investigate potential flying sites, most of the time just hanging out. After feeling compelled to move away for work and subsequently getting married and all that entails I rarely got the chance to meet up with my freind, each time we did it was as if we last met just a few weeks before. I recently moved back to the area I grew up and began meeting my freind again on a more regular basis. Our freindship never seemed strained, it was not time or frequency of meeting dependant it just carried on where it left off. Sadly he was diagnosed a few years ago with aggressive cancer, being a positive sort, he faught it every day. He continued flying as long as he could, something he devoted his life to, and enjoyeda motorcycle holiday in NZ. A month ago he lost his fight. His funeral was packed and his life was celebrated by going go karting after the funeral. A remarkable man, I will miss him enormously knowing now that I cant just meet up some time. My only regret is; moving away from the area and not having shared more of his life, but of course we all have our own paths to lead. Freindships like this are rare, if you have one make more time for it if you can. Thanks Shanna.
Shanna Thank you, keep well.
I relate to this on a gut/soul level. I'm an introvert, HSP and most days feel blindingly awkward. I have a very small group of dear friends (3), and a lot of acquaintances. My dear friends are scattered through the states and I want to bring each one with me to Portugal - but I know I wont lose them just because of the distance once I make the move full time.
Right now I'm in the beginning stages of a divorce, from someone I thought was one of those deep, dear lifetime friends. Someone I had planned to make the move to Portugal with. I think Portugal was always my dream, and she was just trying it on for size and decided it wasn't the right fit for her. It is the right fit for me. It's a huge transition that includes so many of the emotions you listed. Now she is using my HSP qualities as weapons against me. When I was younger I would have spent so much of my energy trying to explain and defend myself. I find now I am more content to just let her, and her anger and judgements, go.
Relationships are hard! Right now I'm choosing to mend the one with myself.
Thank you for this piece.
Shanna, Thank you for this reply.
And you are on! The B.A.C - I'm going to design t-shirts immediately.
Thank you for your moving reflection on the inevitability of change and the metamorphosis of friendships. In my 74 years of life, I have lived in 49 homes in 27 cities in 10 U.S. states. Long ago (mostly by necessity), I learned to let go of resistance to change, to accept loss and respond with healthy grieving, to embrace the promise and challenges of the new and unknown, to marvel at the unexpected rewards of the shifting sands of life, and to learn the lessons offered by the sometimes unwelcome results of change. Through my life, I have walked under blue skies, strolled through sun dappled lanes, scrambled though stormy weather, and wandered down dark and treacherous alleys. It has been a full and rewarding life and I would not change one moment. Your reflection brought to mind a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, “Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints on your heart.” I am blessed to have many footprints on my heart.
Hi Shanna,
Fellow San Diegan/Vegan/Introvert/HSP/Dog Adorer here. Thank you for sharing this challenging time with honesty and nuance.
Perhaps the operative word here is “mourning,” as experiencing dissolving/dissolved friendships can be so similar to the process of mourning loved ones who’ve passed. It can hurt like hell, but also be revelatory (of self and others), and can act as a call to be grateful and present to whatever appears––beautiful and/or blemish-y––in the here and now.
In my case, the dissolution revolved around my feelings of vystopia as a new vegan years ago. Communicating this anguish with a close friend who took it personally and became defensive proved to be too much. Needless to say, suffering ensued. But so did gaining more clarity about my values with regard to navigating a non-vegan world going forward.
Though she is a ghost who will most likely not return, the memories (mostly fond) of what we once had remains.
Healing has come through extensive chats with a mutual friend, meditation, self-inquiry, time, and cuddles with my fur baby. The fact that veganism has become so mainstream has also helped a lot.
Upward and onward.
Wishing you & Milo well.
Thanks, Shanna!
Indeed, “wherever you go, there you are” - with super-fans and all in tow! :-). That we even exist to experience it all is at once brilliant and bonkers.
Beijinhos,
Lester & Eckhart (the Italian Greyhound)
Well said. I've had similar experiences throughout my adult life. When I wrote a post about it I titled it "Have a nice life." When a friend says that to me, I know that the friendship will change. I, too have many acquaintances but few close friends, and often it seems the circle of close friends is getting smaller. Letting go and acceptance is also part of life and I'm good with that. It opens me up to the possibilities of new friends and experiences.
That's a beautiful description of the vicissitudes of friendship. Being a lover of solitude, I'm always a little surprised at how much I get out of friendship. :D
A proposito, I LOVE the colors in your outside area. The chair alone is a work of art.
Don't know. I got my NIF this week (or maybe last week). I assume the D-7 is underway. My elderly dad fell and broke his hip. He comes home tomorrow (probably). Mom has already applied for an assisted-living facility. I'm staying flexible on timing, and am prepared to hire a personal assistant to take my place on helping them, depending on when the D-7 comes through.
May I join the Blindlingly Awkward Club too, please? =) I felt this post on many levels- thanks for always writing from your heart, Shanna! I once read that friendships tend to last about 7 years, and if you’re still friends after 7, you’ll likely figure out how to stay friends. I agree that “real” friendships take effort and attention. I’ve usually only had 2 or 3 close friends throughout my life, with lots of acquaintances, and your post made me look more deeply at why that is… I think I get the same kind of friendship-at-first-sight feeling that you described! Funny. But I do put in the work with my closer friendships- sharing, asking, supporting, and purposeful connection, even from far away, as my good friends have lived miles from me in more recent years. I especially like your reference to the messiness of life- that’s one thing I’ve struggled with but am getting better at as I get older. I tend to want some kind of closure, but I’ve accepted the fact that some things, some relationship endings, are just going to be messy and that’s okay. And then I go through all the feelings you listed above, but come out okay on the other side!
I really enjoy your outlook on life in general! My story is mixed with very close friendships I had as a child that you think will last forever but with passing years and new ventures, new schools, jobs etc. You lose touch with many, only natural really. I found that friendships at work were either fuelled by competition, jealousy, just having to spend eight hours a day with the same people so a sense of necessity and the joy of leaving them behind and switching off! Of course sometimes work friends turn into social friends too and those relationships can suffer due to spending a copious amount of time at work and out of work! I learnt the hard way, trusted everyone, yearning to be liked and feeling welcomed only to have sand kicked in my face numerous times, too numerous to mention!! Too soft, too squeaky clean! The latter being a description a so called friend had given me and to my horror was the main reason she hated me I found out! Took me a very long time to work out that the problem was never mine but theirs, quite a few years in fact! Yes, I was naive and too trusting thinking being nice to others meant they would return the favour! How wrong I was!! As I have got older, I've realised what a damned idiot I was and slapped myself on the wrist for allowing it all to happen. But now I'm contented with my lot! Probably more to do with realising my mortality and just thinking, well, life's too bloody short now to worry about as it turned out, trivial things that weren't important anyway and enjoying the obvious short time I'll be spending on this mortal coil (channelling my Monty Python there!!) Anyway, I think I've said before that the majority of my friends now are far enough away to not interfere with my everyday life and I have become more appreciative of those friendships and hold them dear. Very interesting writing Shanna! Good to see you back, take care and carry on enjoying your now permanent way of life! Hugs xxx
I totally feel this post. I am also an introvert and HSP. I have a small handful of people I consider friends, very few are close friends. Also had some painful past friendships that ended poorly. My husband and I are planning to come join you in Portugal within the next couple of years, and we can't wait to be there. I have a few friends that might come visit me there, but I'm looking forward to meeting new friends once we arrive and I am totally open to it. <3 Obrigada!
Trust, once broken, for me, is trust gone.
The friend told me, purposefully or accidentally, who they are. I believed them.
Moving on.
I’ve been married almost 17 years and recently found out that my husband has been keeping secrets from me for 4 YEARS. I feel totally betrayed and I fear my trust in him has been broken beyond repair. I was super hurt and angry at first, then a couple weeks later I thought I had to forgive, so I did, but now I just feel sad and depressed.
I wish I could offer a helpful word, Lindsey. I am not equipped for it, though. My heart can, eventually, soon or much later, understand the human dynamics that sometimes lead to betrayal… but my heart needs to move forward without dragging a load of heartbreak as I walk. It’s an ongoing effort, tho, because my mind has been etched with a hot poker and the welps form scar tissue that pulls.
Thank you, Shanna. I appreciate your voice.