Expectations & Disappointments

we all have them. both of them.

It’s bound to happen. Even the most compassionate and human-loving folks will do it.

We have and will continue to disappoint others with the choices we make and the actions we take. 

Yes, that means you, too. You will disappoint someone. Someone you love. Someone who counts on you. Someone you don’t want to disappoint. And you’ll likely be disappointed in yourself for being so disappointing. 

We humans are exceedingly hard on ourselves, especially success-oriented people under the delusion that perfection is attainable and desirable. These people who want to do it all—create, succeed, and care-take, while maintaining the illusion of having it together—are bound to be disappointed and disappoint others.

Disappointing others can’t be avoided unless you want an ulcer the size of Texas worrying about doing so. 

HSPs and Disappointment

Disappointing others is often more difficult if you are a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). These individuals feel deeply and can take on the emotions of others. No, HSPs do not lack boundaries (although some might, like anyone else); it’s about sensory processing. There's science behind this high feeling situation. HSPs feel deeply, and can be negatively affected by bright lights, noise, smells, crowds, etc. 

Take the HSP test and see where you land on the scale (Me? Off the charts!).

This deep sensing can result in being overly concerned about how others will be impacted by our choices, so we often make decisions that benefit others while sabotaging what’s best for ourselves. 

No Winners

Trying to make others feel good is a game you can’t win. It doesn’t matter who it is: partners, parents, or children—if we are compromising our integrity, values, and authenticity to be liked, or at least not despised, we will lose, and so will others. If there are people who want you to act a certain way,  it might be time to rethink these relationships. 

It’s not easy to break up with people, whether they be family or friends, but to protect one's mental and emotional health, this is often the best course of action. Yes, I know it's hard to do, but how many years, decades, will you live your life for others, only to find that it didn’t make anyone happy, and likely left you full of resentment? 

Expectations Beget Disappointments

Expectations, whether our own or those of others are often an infinite source of suffering. 

First, the expectations others have of us. These expectations come about for a variety of reasons. The way someone was raised, and societal mores, are big influencers. While we don’t need to be a jerk about it, and yes, considering other’s feelings is at the least an act of compassion, doing things out of obligation is no way to relate to others (despite what your parents tell you). Often, expectations aren’t communicated, so unless we know what others want from us, we can’t fulfill them, anyway! 

Don’t wait too long before you realize that you will never live up to all the expectations others have of you. We have a brief life to live, and learn from, in the best way we can—and that includes taking a stand for our autonomy and agency in all matters. 

And second, let’s address the expectations we have of others. The same rules apply. When we have expectations, not only do they often go unmet, but we don’t communicate our needs with those we place our expectations. We can’t demand people to love us the same way we love them, hold the same values, or want the same things from life. So much hurt happens when we want people to behave the way we think they should and are disappointed when they don’t.

So, what do we do with our expectations—how do we recognize them when they appear?

I’m not afraid to admit that people often don’t behave the way I want them to—and it’s maddening! But that’s my issue, not theirs. Unless we have an agreement, I can have feelings about it, but that’s about it. When this happens, it’s an opportunity to examine what I want, why I want others to provide it, and what’s in the way of me giving it to myself (time, support, love, whatever it is).

I suppose in the true spirit of life: examined (the name of this little newsletter), this is what I’m here to do—understand myself better and use that information to create a better life and relationships.

How about you—when do you expect too much from others?

GOOD LINKS:

• Meet Betty Holston Smith, the 79-Year-Old Vegan Competing in 100-Mile Races (Go, Betty!)

• In 2019, Portugal was the leading producer of bicycles in the EU (way above all other countries)

• Wow! TAP Air Portugal To Resume Flights to All North American Gateways This Fall

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